Kvetha Fricai! (Greetings, friend-who-hasn’t-read-the-Inheritance-cycle)
Here is golden opportunity available to you. You can be my best friend! Yes, that’s finally going to be a reality.
It will be tough, obviously. Since I am going to get many applications for this position, I have charted out a three stage interview process, which will span over 9 months to 1 year. The lone friend who sticks around even after a year of me-made obstacles, trials and tribulations will be crowned as my best friend!
In the first three months of the probation period this is what you, as an applicant, will have to undertake:
- Make me talk. I am an introvert, and don’t like to talk to new people (because I’m bad at small talk). Hence, if you can pester me with questions during our interview, and make me talk more than you do, you have successfully entered the shortlist for this position.
- Talk about music and books. During the above interview, you can tell me how you discovered your favourite artist / author. Share a heartwarming story attached to your favourite song / album / book / book series. A mandatory selection criteria here is: you have to have read the Harry Potter series, and at least one fan fiction book / short story. Kindly do not apply for this position if you don’t call yourself a Potterhead.
- Text me. This can happen after you clear the interview successfully, and if I initiate conversation with you via text or call. However, do not call or text too often. Or too rarely.
If you successfully clear these three months, you are now eligible to enter the next stage of the probation period. The next three months has perks like: exclusive chance to contact me more often in text (hehe, I don’t talk on calls at all), immediate replies to all texts (except at night, because I value sleep more than friends).
The job profile for this part of the job is:
- Handling my mood swings: I won’t reveal my mood swings to people I hardly know. But if I know you for at least three months, I may start being my crazy self around you. Don’t be startled to here me mutter the F word more than a couple times under my breath, or hear me fantasize about the latest foodie adventure I had. It’s normal. I’m just like any other boss you’ve had / have / will have in life.
- Display your entrepreneurial side: No, I don’t expect you to come up with a billion dollar startup idea. What I mean by the word ‘entrepreneurial’ in this context, is that I need you to be more productive than I am. I cannot disclose the reason to you at this stage. All I can say is that your enthusiastic and bubbly nature will just spur me to work harder. (I’m really sorry I can’t be more specific. Just think of this secrecy as an incentive to reach the one year mark of being friends with me!)
- Be vulnerable: I value vulnerability in people. I don’t like people who pretend to be strong on the outside. Why? Because everyone has a weak side. How much ever you try to hide it, it exists. (This is why I value songs by Eminem more than songs by Sia. A story for another day?) As a show of trust, I need you to be vulnerable around me. I don’t expect you to start crying tears every time you tell me about your bad hair day. No. All I need to know is that you cry when you have a bad hair day. Simple enough, eh? Also, if you need a shoulder to cry on, do approach me. I’ve got pretty broad shoulders that are of no use to me at all (except shoving people out of my way at crowded railway stations).
You can rejoice once the second stage of your probation period is over. On the day of our six month friendship anniversary, we will go out and eat something good / buy a good book / watch a good movie. And from that day on, you will be considered as a serious candidate for the position of Best Friend.
Here’s how your job profile will be upgraded for the next six months.
- You will be graced with the honour of knowing the thought process behind every blog post that I write: No one gets a chance to read the first draft or rough work that I do before writing the final post except me. But I can guarantee you this: you will be able to know more about how I hunt for blog post ideas. And, if you’re exceptionally good, your idea may also feature on my blog!
- Don’t be ashamed of being my friend: The reason why I take candidates out for a social activity on the six month anniversary is to analyse this- Are you ashamed of being seen as my friend in public? Does my messy hair upset you? Do nano-particles of food stuck in my braces make you grimace in shame? Does my mismatched outfit make you cringe and distance yourself away from my footpath-walk? I may give you a concession on this point on our six month friendship anniversary. But if in the next six months, you continually and subtly give me hints on how to present myself, you can kiss your job goodbye. Because, only Lilly Singh is allowed to tutor me on How to Be a Bawse..
- A pop quiz: This most probably will not happen on our six month friendship anniversary. But it will happen in the next six months. The quizzes will be simple enough, and will test you in ways that even the best examinations cannot. You will be quizzed on simple facts about me that I have already told you. A few sample questions? Here you go: What is my favourite colour? Do I dream of owning a Porsche or a bookshelf full of books? What am I going to do with my first salary? And if you can’t recall the answers to these questions immediately, you can check out my blog posts to see if I have left any Easter eggs in my veiled jokes. But the best case scenario would be where you can answer my question the moment I finish asking it.
- You can’t stand the though if not being in touch with me: FYI, it does not mean that you keep blasting my phone with messages 24 hours x 7 days.But I’d like to feel a bit appreciated by my Best Friend candidate, if I know that she’s concerned about where I am, what I’m doing, who features in my Instagram story, whether I’m in a good mood or not.
Now that you have a brief understanding about being a friend to an introverted drama queen, here is what you stand to earn, if selected as my Best Friend.
- Loyalty. I’m as faithful as a pimple that never goes away.
- Trust. You’ll trust me with your deepest secrets, and never regret it.
- Humour. Once I get to know what kind of humour you like, I will do my best to be better than any stand-up comedian in your YouTube feed.
Are you excited to apply for this position? Kindly contact me via any means that you feel appropriate, keeping in mind these four points:
- I don’t like receiving calls from people I don’t know very well.
- I don’t read text messages that are from people not in my contacts list.
- I hate spam in my inbox / DM box.
- I don’t like maintaining eye contact with strangers.
Applications will be accepted till the day the offer is revoked eternally.
Wishing you all the success and good luck in your one year struggle to become my best friend. May the odds be ever in your favour!
P.S.: Thank you for reading through this sarcastic post. You truly are a dear friend. Happy friendship day!
Note: This post contains an affiliate link to Amazon India. This means: if you buy this book by clicking on the link mentioned above, I will earn some money to buy a cup of Iced Tea, at no additional cost to you. Thank you for your support, friend! 🙂
Note: This post is partly inspired by The Rosie Project by Graeme Simpson. Do read it, it’s a 5 star book according to me!